30 June, 2011

The Chair

So I'm reading Fox News, keeping up with the US Joneses, when I see that the "Fox on Sex" section, which is usually tamer than an issue of Tiger Beat, is featuring sex furniture. Sex furniture? On Fox? Do Republicans even *have* sex--outside of Capitol Hill, and with their actual spouses? I had to click. Most of the article was silly stuff, the usual assortment of things I suppose your average church shut-in might find titillating, but nothing too out of the ordinary. There was this one thing, though... a Tantra Chair.

Tantra chair?

I clicked, clicked again, and there on my screen was one of the most beautiful pieces of furniture I'd ever seen. Never mind its Tantric qualities, which are, by the way, optimally and graphically explained on the "film" tab in full living HD. It's one gorgeous bit of kit! Curvy, sensual, ultra-modern, sleek, with all the right angles - it's the Jessica Rabbit of living (or bed-) room furniture. It's also nearly 1200 euro.

I had to tell Milo.

I sent him an email with screen shots, since I was sure the site would be banned by the Army and therefore inaccessible from a war zone. God forbid any of our troops should have anything resembling entertainment, let alone anything to dream of other than killing people and blowing stuff up.

Just after lunchtime, as Caoilte and I were getting ready to see the new Transformers movie in Letterkenny, my neighbour, Lucy, stopped in to see if I could run an errand for her. She made the mistake of asking what I'd been up to - so I told her I'd been shopping for a chair.

"A chair?" she asked.

"Yeah. Wanna see?" I replied.


I brought up the web page, which opened not to the tame little splash page but to the page depicting a few of the chair's uses, as demonstrated by a gorgeous, naked couple. "Oh my," she said, pointing to the man, "does it come with that?"

After a bit of giggling and a lot of sticker shock, I closed the computer and Caoilte and I headed out to see Transformers. Afterward we stopped by Argos to pick up the item Lucy had asked me to get while we were out, then headed back home. I stopped by to give it to her and she mentioned that Larry was interested in seeing this chair, and could I bring it up on the laptop for him. Grinning, I complied. In fact, I went one better and clicked the "film" tab, so he could enjoy the videos in all of their glory.

Now, Lucy and Larry are farmers, down-to-earth, lovely people in their 60's who lead about as conventional a life as you can imagine. They're also two of the most open-minded, accepting people I know (remind me later to relate what shall forever be known in these parts as the 'attic chains incident'). As I left, the image of Larry glued to the laptop screen while Lucy chewed her dinner looking at me completely non-plussed made me laugh all the way home. Later, I texted Lucy and asked her how Larry's heart was doing. "I switched it off!" came the reply.

At 1900 Milo showed up in the chat room and said precisely what I thought he'd say: "order it now!" Very soon, the Tantra Chair will be the showpiece of my living room.

Americans. Providing entertainment to County Donegal since 2008. :)

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